Harry Potter and the Death of Hitler
by EvilBunnyTwitch
Summary: A Harry Potter/ Airborn series/ world history crossover involving time travel, Hitler, and other such wonderful things. Crack fic.
1. Random Entrees

**Disclaimer: We own nothing.**

**This story is being written by two different people...so if the style of writing seems to change a lot, that's probably because it is.**

**Please feel free to review, we would like to know whether or not we are the only people reading this. :)**

Harry Potter was very frustrated. For the past hour he had been perfecting his resume that he needed in order to apply to the Ministry for an Auror position. Despite him not actually having completed his seventh year at the renowned wizardry school, Hogwarts, he believed he was more than capable for a position there. For Harry Potter was no ordinary boy, even by wizard standards, for he was more famous than any other magical being that had ever lived. Harry Potter was The-Boy-Who-Killed-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he was the boy who slayed the greatest dark wizard of all time, Lord Voldemort.

It had not been easy to slay the Dark Lord; it had personally taken Harry seven years to reach this point in his life. Seven long years of pain, deaths, and most of all, hope. The fight for Voldemort's death had cost him almost more than he could bear; he was eternally grateful for the lives of the friends who had not died. He would thank their lucky stars every day until his death.

Harry sighed, raising a hand to instinctively attempt to flatten his untamable jet black hair. His emerald eyes scrunched together in anger. The resume called for contacts, he could not think of any who would truly be able to vouch for him and know exactly what he was capable of. The only people who came to mind were all dead. With another deep sigh, he scratched their names onto the parchment with his quill. Now finished his resume, he looked it over.

Former Jobs

Chosen One

Leader; Dumbledore's Army

Protector; Philosophers Stone

Finder; Chamber of Secrets

Accomplice; Azkaban prisoner Sirius Black

Winner; Triwzard Tournament

Investor; Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

Researcher; life of Tom Riddle

Owner; Deathly Hallows

Seeker

Special Skills

Evil-seeking head wound

Parselmouth

Defense Against the Dark Arts

Stealthy

Fast

Good at killing evil wizards

Invisible, with help of cloak

Master of Death

Patronus conjuring

Basic housework

Not claustrophobic

Experienced with Werewolves

Traits

Evil-fighting

Slight temper

Angsty

Modest

Suicidal

Self-sacrificing

Disloyal to best friend

Loyal to everyone else

Optimistic

Mama's boy

Commonly parodied

References

Dead parents- Lily and James Potter

Dead Godfather- Sirius Black

Dead Headmaster- Albus Dumbledore

Dead professor- Remus Lupin

Dead professor- Severus Snape

Contact Information for References: Die

Harry smiled, this resume wasn't all that bad, if he did say so himself. Not bad at all.

"So…Mr…?"

"Potter." said Harry. He had been called for an interview at the Ministry. He was sure he was going to get the job.

"I'm sorry, you're just not qualified."

"Not qualified? Are you kidding?"

"No, I'm not kidding, Mr…"

"POTTER! I'm Harry fucking Potter!" Harry pushed back his hair to reveal the lightning shaped scar on his forehead.

"Look, lightning face," said the interviewer. "You didn't finish school. You don't have any useful skills. Your contacts are dead. You don't get the job."

"I don't get the job? Harry Potter doesn't get the job? Did you even read my resume? I'M THE CHOSEN ONE!"

The interviewer sighed. "Crabbe, Goyle, please escort Mr. Lightning Face out." He said.

"Cra- YOU'RE DEAD!" Harry yelled at Crabbe.

"Actually, there's a new device that can bring people back from the dead. Invented by some Mudblood witch." said the interviewer. "So you see Mr. Angry Pants, you're not the only master of death."

"You gotta be shittin' me." Harry said. He stomped out of the room, growling.

* * *

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you built a time-slash-resurrection machine!" Harry yelled. He was pacing back and forth in his best friend, Ron's, room. He was staying with the Weasley's until he found his own place.

"I'm sorry, Harry." Hermione said. She didn't sound sorry. "They offered me a really good price."

"That shouldn't mean anything! I'm your friend!"

"Would you have paid me to use it?"

"Well, no, I would have expected you to let me resurrect my loved ones out of the kindness of your heart."

"Hermione doesn't have a heart, Harry." said Ron. "She's a cold, spiteful harpy."

Hermione jabbed her wand over her shoulder at Ron. His limbs clamped together and he fell face first to the floor.

"Sorry," he said into the rug. "I'm no good at being nice to you."

"S'okay." said Hermione as she lifted the curse.

There was a knock at the door, and Mrs. Weasley entered without waiting for an answer. "Is it really to much to ask for some help with dinner?" she demanded.

There was an awkward pause. Harry, Ron and Hermione tried to covertly shoot each other looks to say, "No, you!" Hermione sighed. "I'll help." She followed Mrs. Weasley out the door. Ron breathed a sigh of relief, then jumped as Hermione stuck her head back in. "Don't even think about doing what you're thinking about doing Ron!" she yelled.

"What?" said Harry.

"Oh, shut up Hermione." Ron said. "I never think about anything."

Hermione snorted. "I'm well aware of that." she said as she left. Harry tried to stifle his laughter, failed, and was rewarded with a well thrown book on the Chudley Canons to the head.

"D'you want to see Hermione's machine?" Ron asked after Harry had magically repaired the bump on his head.

"Do you know how to use it?"

"Well, no, but it can't be too hard, can it?"

* * *

"This is too bloody hard."

"You haven't even tried it yet."

"Well I'm sorry that not everyone can share in the Chosen One's optimism." Ron said. He and Harry stood in front of the massive array of buttons, switches, and knobs. Ron laughed.

"What?"

"The narrator just used the word knob."

"Narrator? What in the name of Dobby's socks are you on about?"

"N-nothing." Ron said, and in his haste to change the subject he fell against the panel. The machine started whirring.

"Oh, bollocks..."

"Wait, if Hermione's a witch, why did she build a machine?"

"Who the bloody hell cares, Harry, what matters is it's gonna blow!"

* * *

The lakes surface twinkled faintly in the sun; the Whomping Willow twisted its branches in pleasure under the suns rays. Near the lakes rippling surface lay four boys, a sandy haired one with his nose in a book, a tall handsome one bearing a bored expression, a short chubby one with a nervous twitch, and finally an average height one with unruly black hair who kept glancing back towards the school of Hogwarts with longing. These four boys were friends, brothers; each only 17 and looking forward to what lay after this last day of school. These boys were the Marauders. Renowned for their impish ways and loyal friendship. Each was now on the brink of the rest of their lives, after this sunny day they wouldn't be students of Hogwarts again.

"Bored, bored, bored." the handsome one sang, looking at the lake. "I'm so bored."

"We know, Sirius." the one behind the book snapped. "You've been chanting that for the past 30 minutes."

"Well... it's as true as when I first said it, no need to get grumpy Remus." the handsome one, Sirius, grumbled to the book bound one, Remus. Sirius crossed his arms in his usual childish manner. "You're only grumpy, anyways, because it's almost your time of the month." This remark caused Remus, who was a werewolf and often fell victim to his cranky side when the full moon came, to move his nose from behind his book and glare at his "special" friend.

"Say that one more time and I'll-"

"Stop it you two." The unruly haired one said, still gazing towards the school. "I see Lily coming this way and... she's bringing Snivellus?" This caused a startled look to pass between the four friends before their heads all turned in the direction of a red head with emerald eyes and a long nosed boy with greasy hair.

"Maybe Lily Flower finally came to her senses and decided to move on away from you, my dear Prongs. Mind you, she could have chosen someone better than that greasy git Snape. I mean, I'm available at the moment." Sirius proclaimed, casting death stares at the ever nearing duo.

"Hello, love." Prongs grinned, moving swiftly to his girlfriends, the red heads, side. They immediately shared a gentle kiss.

"Hey James, Professor Dumbledore said that-" There was a brilliant flash of bright light, and the five boys and one girl vanished.

* * *

"Bored, bored, bored." the bored voice of Sirius Black sang. "So bored, I could...I could...poke a werewolf. Hey Moony, come over here for a second." A sandy haired man known to all as Remus Lupin, and to some as Moony, approached Sirius, who was currently lying down.

"Yes?" he inquired to his friend with one raised eyebrow. "You called?"

"Poke!" Sirius shouted, reaching out and jabbing his friend in the side of the leg.

"Padfoot, what the fu-"

"Will you two shut up for a few minutes, something's happening." The familiar voice of the fiery red head known as Lily snapped. "I think Harry's calling us again. James, Albus and I have all been feeling a weird tugging feeling for a bit now. Do you two feel it?"

Both men shared a look before frowning; they did indeed feel a tug within their stomachs.

"Yes, Lily," Remus began. "We feel it, what does it-"

With a flash of brilliant light, four once dead people vanished from the afterlife.

* * *

The rat was growing, quickly swelling to twice its normal size. It tried to protest, but only succeeded in emitting a high pitched squealing noise. Just as it was about to burst, it was poked by a long, white stick. It began shrinking back to its normal size.

"You're much more useful in this form, Wormtail." said a high, cold voice. "I'm almost entertained. If we were still alive, maybe I would spare your life."

The rat stared up at Voldemort, terrified. Voldemort gave what might have been a smile, had he not been so evil that smiling was an impossibility, and prodded Wormtail with his wand. The rat swelled.

Just as Wormtail was shrinking again, there was a flash of light. Voldemort hissed and shielded his face. He didn't do well with light, being a dark wizard and all. When the light had faded, he peered through his fingers. Wormtail was gone.

"Aww, now I'm bored!" the Dark Lord whined.

* * *

"C'mon, Moody, just once, for old times sake!"

"No, boy. We don't need that anymore."

"Oh, come on, Moody. Do you really want to incur my wrath? Say 'constant vigilance,' just the once."

"I'm not worried in the slightest about how you could torment me, Weasley." said Moody. His magical blue eye rolled wildly for effect.

Fred Weasley grinned. "Filch wasn't worried either." He warned. "At least, not at first."

Moody snorted. "What are you going to do, boy, kill me?"

Fred feigned outrage. "Alastor, please, I'm much more sophisticated then that!"

As the two doubled over, laughing, they were engulfed in a blinding light. When it subsided, they were nowhere to be seen.

* * *

"Lemon drop, Severus?"

"No thank you, Headmaster."

"How many times do I have to tell you, Severus, call me Albus. I'm not a Headmaster of anything anymore. Except maybe spectacular purple robes." Dumbledore fingered the fabric of his sleeve. "You should really get some, Severus, they're wonderfully flamboyant."

Snape scowled. "I'm sure I'll manage."

"Well at least have a lemon drop."

Snape took the candy, but didn't raise it to his mouth. He squinted- more than usual, that is.

"What's wrong, Severus?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you have something against Muggle sweets?"

Snape shook his head. "What do you make of that?" He pointed to a bright light that was quickly making its way towards them.

Dumbledore studied it. "I haven't the slightest idea." he announced. "But why don't we take a look? It wasn't so bad the last time." Before Snape could object, Dumbledore grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into the light, where they vanished.

* * *

"Hurry, she's getting away!"

Two bicycles raced through the busy Paris street, leaving cries of "Oh mon dieu!" and "Merdre!" in their wake. The girl was leading, her long auburn braid flying straight out behind her. The boy followed, or was attempting to.

"How do you intend to catch her?" he yelled to the girl.

"I suppose I'll figure it out when we catch up." she replied. She took a tight turn, now pedaling through a park. The boy finally managed to match her speed, if only because they were going downhill. Their eyes were locked on the strange creature in the sky above them. It resembled a squid, but it was completely transparent. Every so often as it flew, one of its tentacles gave a spark of electricity.

Suddenly, the sky grew brighter, then flashed. The girl was blinded and toppled off her bicycle.

"Kate!" The boy dropped his bicycle and rushed to help the girl up. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." said Kate, dusting off her long skirt. "Where did she go?"

"I'm guessing she flew away."

"Don't be stupid, Matt, she's not nearly that fast. That light had something to do with her disappearing."

"What light? It was just the sun."

Kate turned and stared at him, her nostrils narrowed. Matt took a few steps back. Kate's eyes returned to the sky. She began calling for the creature. "Phoebe! Phoebe, come back!" Matt stood looking awkwardly around, wondering what the sophisticated men and women of Paris would think of a Canadian girl yelling at the sky.

Kate sighed and brought her gaze back to earth. "I was so hoping to catch her. I didn't think I'd see her again, after all these months.

"I'm sorry, Kate, I think she's really gone."

Then, with another flash, so were they.

* * *

"So, yesterday, I read the gospels, yesterday, and the bible. I didn't do anything else, just sat there twitching and reading." a short girl chirped cheerfully, her faintly green curly hair bouncing at every move.

"You said yesterday twice..." a taller girl said, her hair also twisted into curls.

"Shut up." the smaller girl said, still smiling, holding up two fingers in a combined loser sign. "No one likes your insane smartness, Claire."

"Smartness? Well, Autumn, no one likes your stupidity." Claire piped back, not removing her eyes from the French work they were completing. Her friend literally bounced beside her, looking around with a plastered on smile.

"We should kill Hitler, well not us per say, but I've been doing a lot of reading, and I found a way to kill him, evil bunny twitch, so yeah." Autumn grinned, her words flowing swiftly from her mouth, only stopping once during her rant when she twitched and said evil bunny twitch.

"..."

"And then I can toss evil muffins of doom, and eat purple lollipops." Autumn continued, not noticing Claire now staring at her with a blank look.

"Look, Claire, I already started writing a story about us killing Hitler." She pulled four pieces of loose-leaf from her backpack and displayed them on the table.

"Okay... how does this story help us kill Hitler?"

"Easy. I just write this and..."

The two girls vanished from sight, leaving a stunned French class behind.

* * *

Back in 1990's England, Harry and Ron were cowering on the ground. The machine was whirring and flashing. Then, with a final flash, it stopped.

"Harry, you bloody midget, you broke it!"

"I broke it? I didn't even know it existed until three hours ago! You broke it!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TWO DO NOW?" Hermione was racing across the yard towards them, looking more terrifying than Mrs. Weasley when Fred, George, and Ron had stolen the flying car.

"Nothing!" said Ron, looking guilty, as usual.

Hermione opened her mouth to yell, but was interrupted when six people appeared out of nowhere between her and Harry and Ron.

Harry jumped a few feet in the air. Not because he hadn't seen people appear from thin air before- he had, many times- but because the six were teenagers- ones he recognized.

"M-Mom?" The red head looked at him, startled. She didn't recognize him.

"Hey!" said James. "She is no ones mother, you sick fuck!"

Ron looked bewildered, or more so than usual. "Harry, is that- are these your parents?"

"Yes," said Harry, just as James said, "No!" Harry glared at him. "Why don't you tell us who you are then?"

James ruffled his hair before holding out his hand. "James Potter, at your fucking service."

Harry grinned his all-knowing, Chosen One grin. "Harry _James_ Potter, Chosen One."

James' mouth gaped. Behind him, Remus connected the dots and began laughing. Sirius clapped James on the back. "Way to go, Prongs." Lily looked disgusted at the thought that she could have procreated with James. "Oh shit," James said.

"I have a better question." Severus said.

"'Oh shit,' isn't a question, Snivellus." said Sirius. Severus ignored him. "What are we doing here?"

"Maybe Hermione should explain-" Ron started, but before he could finish, four more people appeared.

"Mom! Dad!" Harry yelled. This time they recognized him, as did Lupin and Sirius. The four converged on Harry for a group hug. There was an awkward pause where all not hugging looked at the ground. They pulled apart.

Young James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Severus turned to see Old James, Lily, Sirius, and Lupin. Everyone stared for a minute, then gave a collective, "AHH!"

"That's what I'm going to look like when I'm older?" Young Lily cried, looking disgusted.

"Hey, shut up!" Old James yelled.

Everyone started shouting and advancing towards Harry. He was saved when a large rat appeared, and both Lily's started shrieking.

"Scabbers!" Ron yelled.

"Pettigrew?" Harry said.

"Constant vigilance!" yelled Moody, who had just appeared with Fred.

"Fred!" yelled Ron, astounded to see his dead brother.

"George!" yelled Fred, for George had just apparated into the crowd that was quickly forming.

"Fred!" yelled George. "You've conquered death! How much should we charge for that?" The twins disapparated.

"Potter!" spat Old Snape.

"Snivellus?" said Old Sirius.

"Me?" said Young Severus.

"Lemon drop?" asked Dumbledore.

"Professor!" cried Harry, for he had just recognized the tall, purple thing that had appeared.

"Dumbledore?" everyone shouted.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" screamed both James's.

"I'll tell you!" said a girl who had just appeared. She was followed by another, taller girl, who looked impressed but unsurprised to have appeared out of nowhere.

"Yes Autumn, do tell." said the taller one. "Enlighten us."

The short one opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a mysterious squid like creature that appeared in the air. The thing sparked angrily.

"Holy shit!" yelled Moody, uncharacteristically.

Harry, Ron, James, James, Sirius, Sirius, Remus, Lupin, Severus, Snape and Moody pulled out their wands and shot stupefying spells at the creature. It fell to the earth, unmoving.

"What did you do?" a female voice cried. "Phoebe!"

"Kate," said the boy behind her. "You can't just barge into someone else's story like this."

"I did not barge, Matt, I resent that!" said Kate. "Look what they've done! They've killed Phoebe! I'm terribly vexed."

"Wait," said the tall random girl. She grabbed a stack of papers from her friend and rifled through them. "According to this, Matt and Kate were supposed to get here before us."

"We took a detour." Said Matt, looking embarrassed.

Everyone stared at the short girl, Autumn.

"S'plain, please." Said Young Lily.

"I will, just have patience, gosh." the short one snapped, furiously writing on some loose-leaf. "I'm trying to do something, just a few more words...and..." Matt vanished from Kate's' side only to appear next to the small girl.

"Success!" she cried in joy. "I love you." She pulled the startled boy into a hug. The others looked on, an awkward silence filling the area. Kate was fuming.

"Dude, you can do that? I want Neville, please, I'll love him forever!" The taller girl was jumping around the smaller girl, pushing and pulling at her limbs. The short girl glared for a moment before smiling and nodding her head. She wrote for a second and...

"Does anyone need me to slay a snake?" Neville questioned, proudly bursting from nowhere next to the tall girl, Claire.

"YES!" Claire cried, flinging her arms around the startled boys' neck.

"Now that I have appeased her..." Autumn grinned evilly, her body turning to face Harry, who just looked at her with one raised eyebrow. Their exchange was unseen as Ron led an out roar at the appearance of Neville.

"HOLY SHIT ITS NEVILLE!" Ron shouted, pointing a finger at the boy currently being squeezed by Claire.

"No, Ron, that's Voldemort in disguise." Fred said in a dead tone.

"Yeah, he just got some plastic surgery." George agreed.

"Lookin' good, moldy farts." Young Sirius grinned, throwing an arm over Neville's shoulders.

"Now you might be able to finally find that special someone." James laughed, taking up stance on Neville's other side.

"Wait a second," Harry murmured, gazing questioningly at Fred and George, after tearing his green eyes from Autumns green eyes. "Didn't you two leave?"

"Yeah..." Fred began, looking around at the others.

"We just wanted to show up to make fun of Ron's Roniness..." George continued.

"So yeah." Fred and George finished together before vanishing.

As that scene of chaos went on, the background held its own disarray. Kate had come to her senses and was pulling frantically on Matt's arm, causing Autumn to jump on his back and latch herself around his neck.

"No bitch, mine." Autumn hissed, glaring into Kate's eyes.

"What makes you think you deserve him?" Kate glared back, her nostrils narrowed.

"Because I won't get engaged to anyone behind his back." Autumn said. "Promise, Matt, my little cutie bootie." she baby talked to Matt, ruffling his hair.

"Don't I have a say in this?" Matt questioned, while being yanked by the arm and neck.

"NO!" both girls screamed at him, before returning to their pulling.

"Wait, Autumn, I'm ready now, to, you know..." Claire told the small girl clinging to the blond boy. Neville looked at Claire, terrified but excited. Claire noticed him looking. "Later." she said.

"Oh, Claire's being naughty." Autumn said suggestively.

"Just send us back in time already!" Claire screeched.

"WHAT THE-" everyone screamed. They began to try and run away, except Dumbledore, who was intrigued, and Snape, who tried to run but was pulled back by Dumbledore.

"This is going to be fun, Severus, don't leave." Dumbledore smiled. "Lemon drop?"

"NO! Claire, you gave the plan away! Hold still Matt, I gotta write this quick." Autumn pulled out loose-leaf and a pencil and began writing quickly, while Matt thrashed around wildly.

"I will not stand still, I will not allow you to-" The group of people vanished from sight.


	2. What The F?

**Disclaimer: We still don't own anything.**

**This chapter offers some explanation to the first one.**

**Whether or not we are the only people who are enjoying this story is still debatable. So, you know, review if you like it. Or if you hate it, we don't mind.**

* * *

"What the fuck just happened?" young James screamed wildly, looking around. The land on which they had appeared was littered with debris, craters were blown deep into the ground, and rain was falling in buckets causing the grassless ground to turn to mud.

"No, the better question is where the fuck are we." Sirius whispered, staring blankly around, before turning to Autumn who was still clinging desperately to Matt's back.

"Good question." Claire grinned before glaring at Autumn. "That midget was supposed to explain things."

"Hmm." Autumn murmured, looking up from her stroking of Matt's blond hair. "Oh yeah, I was. Well... I decided, well, Claire and I, that we should go back in time and kill Hitler, with your help! And looky, we've got an advantage, Matt has blond hair and blue eyes, pretty little boy."

"Hey, I'm not a-" Matt began in rage.

"Kill Hitler, WHAT?" the group screamed together, minus Matt of course. He was furious at the remark that he was a boy.

"Yeah...are you guys slow or something? We're going to kill Hitler. You know, fat guy, funny moustache, hated everything that he was." Autumn said, staring at them with a funny look.

"We're going to kill someone?" Kate said, her eyes lighting up.

"Oh, shit, you guys don't know him." said Claire. "He wants to kill anyone who's black, Jewish, or has anything other than blond hair and blue eyes."

Kate grabbed at her auburn hair. "Matt, save me!" she exclaimed.

"I would if I could." said Matt, gesturing to the short girl wrapped around his neck.

Autumn hit him. "Stop talking to her, you're mine now."

Hermione gaped at Autumn. "You want us to kill the most evil person on Earth?"

"Second-most evil person on Earth." Claire said. "And you guys did it before."

"And I helped!" said Neville proudly. Claire patted his elbow, since she couldn't reach his head. "I know honey." she said. "You did a good job." Neville beamed.

"I did not agree to come kill another evil-doer!" Harry yelled.

"But it's your job, Harry," said Dumbledore. "You're the chosen one."

"Shut up, old man!"

"Actually, we don't need you to do any killing." said Autumn. "I'm gonna bring in Voldemort, yay, to kill Hitler, so you just have to keep him in line with your 'master of death' skills."

"You're bringing him BACK?" Everyone started yelling. Matt used the distraction as an opportunity to edge towards Kate.

"NO!" Autumn screeched with her banshee screaming powers. "My Matt!" She yanked him back, but because she was on his neck all that happened was that they fell over. "You can't escape now!" she cried.

They writhed around in the mud for a bit; Autumn trying to hold on to Matt, and Matt trying to get up.

"Resistance is futile!" Autumn yelled.

"Mmrrphhh!" yelled Matt, because he was face down in the mud.

"So... moving on, I think we need new names around here." Claire said. "Autumn, write this down."

Autumn pulled out her sheaf of papers, sat on Matt's back so he couldn't escape, and prepared to write.

"Okay, the Marauders will go by their nicknames," said Claire. "Prongs, Moony and Padfoot. Lily will be Evans."

"Evans? Why would anyone call me Evans?"

"We call Dumbledore, Snape, and Lupin by their last names." said Ron.

"Exactly." said Claire. "You're Evans now."

"Oh, oh, I want to name Snape." Autumn bounced up and down in her excitement, causing Matt to sink deeper into the mud. "Hmm, what to name you, greasy git is overused, so is git alone...hmm...I know!" Autumn exclaimed, getting, if possible, even more excited. "Snivellus. Brilliant, eh Claire?"

"Dude," Sirius laughed, as James turned red holding his own laughter back. "Yes, I love it."

"It is a good idea." Claire agreed, nodding firmly while stroking Neville's arm.

"Wha- NO. It is not a good idea!" Young Snape, now Snivellus, and Old Snape yelled together.

"Lily is called Evans, why can't I go by my last name?" Snivellus asked. Autumn heaved a deep sigh, as though the task of explaining was a toiling one.

"Well, Snivellus, we're already calling that one-" Autumn jabbed a finger in the other Snape's direction. "-by Snape. It will confuse readers to have two Snapes, gosh. You are a slimy, stupid git, aren't you?"

"I resent that, I am not stupid!" both Snapes cried together.

"Look," Claire said, stepping between Autumn and the Snapes. "The readers are getting impatient; can we get on with the story?"

"Yeah, sorry Claire, love you." Autumn held her fingers together to form a heart.

"What I'm curious about is how you came up with an idea to kill Hitler, how you plan on doing that, and anything else you're not telling us." Remus said, ever the professional male-Hermione-know-it-all.

"Okay, okay, keep your pants on. Except you Matt. You take it all off."

"Autumn."

"Sorry Claire, I know. Save it for later." Autumn leaned down and whispered in Matt's ear. "We're going to have lots of fun later. Just you, me, and our birthday suits."

"Mmp." Matt squeaked, still muffled by mud. Kate glared at Autumn, having overheard what she whispered to Matt.

"Okay, for what I know that I'm not telling you... well, I know you all touch yourselves at night." There was an awkward pause where everyone shifted and avoided each others eyes. Autumn's words rang in the silence.

"Autumn, we already knew that, continue." Claire encouraged, knowing where this conversation might lead if left at the hands of her slightly insane friend.

"Okay, so anyway, what you all do at night aside. So you already know how we're doing it-" Autumn began.

"Yes, we know a bit, but-"

"Don't interrupt, Harry, it's rude. Didn't your parents- oh yeah, orphan." Harry glared. "Forgot, sorry. Anyway, rude midget orphan boys aside, I came up with the idea out of boredom. And what I know that you don't, other than the touching, is that we're currently in the year 1945. If any of you know history, 1945 was the last year of World War Two. Hitler was the leader of Germany...is the leader, and had concentration- has, sorry- camps set up to mass kill Jews. He was an evil, cruel man who I think deserves to die. And no one 100% knows what happened to him, though most believe suicide, so I figured we could get rid of him without screwing up time." Autumn grinned broadly, her explanation for her and Claire's actions had caused the crowd to become silent. Even Matt had stopped struggling in the mud, and Kate was staring straight ahead and not mentioning her believed ownership of Matt.

"Well just fuck Snape sideways and call him Bob." Sirius stated dumbly, eyes wide and mouth agape. Snape shot him a cool glare.

"Okay, now that's cleared up." Remus said in a soft, scared voice. "Who are they?" he asked, gesturing to Matt and Kate.

"Oh, that's Matt Cruse, HOT, and Kate de Vries. They're from the books Airborn, Skybreaker, and Starclimber by Canadian author, YAY CANADA, Kenneth Oppel. I suggest readers read these books." Autumn said towards her loose-leaf in an eerie voice. The group, minus Claire, exchanged frightened looks.

"Okay..." Ron said blankly.

"Matt, Kate, this is the Potter gang." Claire grinned, waving a hand towards the rest of the group.

"Potter-" Snape began angrily.

"Cool!" James and Prongs exclaimed, sharing a high five.

"You two do know it's called the Potter gang because of Harry." Autumn pointed out, with a frown of confusion at their excitement.

"Well... that's almost as good as if it were named after me." Prongs said, slightly crest-fallen at that info.

"Righty then," Autumn said, looking at him before turning her gaze to the barren wasteland that was war-torn France. "We have quite a ways to go before we actually reach Germany, which is where Hitler is, so... let's start walking!"

"Damn it Autumn, why couldn't you time-travel us straight to Germany? You know I hate exercise." Claire said.

"I thought this would be more fun, ROAD TRIP!" Autumn cried.

"Doesn't a road trip usually require a car?" Hermione asked. "And a road?"

"Shut up, you bushy-haired, know-it-all whore!" Autumn screeched. Hermione burst into tears and rushed over to cry on Ron's shoulder.

"Jeez, you think she'd be used to it by now." Autumn said, wiping mud from Matt's hair.

Claire surveyed the confused, angry, muddy group, grabbed Neville by the hand and began to walk.

"Claire, wait, I think Germany is that way!" Autumn said, pointing in the opposite direction.

"I don't care." Claire yelled without stopping.

Harry pulled out his wand, laid it in his palm, and whispered, "Point me." The wand spun to point in the direction that Claire was walking.

"Stupid Claire and her knowledge of geography!" Autumn shrieked. She pulled Matt out of the mud with a loud squishing noise, and began to herd everyone after Claire.

* * *

"Ohhh... we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" Autumn sang.

"Please stop singing." Matt said. He was trying his hardest to slow Autumn down by digging his heels into the ground, but since it was muddy, nothing really happened.

"I don't understand why she's singing about some old dude in 'Oz'" Sirius said. "She's surrounded by perfectly good wizard's right here."

"Don't try to understand Autumn." Claire said. "Your brain will explode before you figure anything out."

"Are you speaking from experience?" asked Snape, who was clearly trying to be clever.

"Yes, you git, obviously the fact that my head is still intact says that my brain once exploded." Claire spat sarcastically. Neville gaped at her, looking awed, then hugged her.

"I think I love you!" he cried.

Claire glared at him. "Think?" she challenged.

Suddenly, Autumn stopped in her tracks, causing Matt to topple face first into the mud.

"What? What happened?" everyone yelled.

Autumn turned to face Claire, grinning. "I finally came up with a plausible excuse for coming to France!" she announced.

"Plausible? That's an awfully big word for you, isn't it?" Claire said, rolling her eyes. Somehow she had expected this.

Autumn ignored the comment. "We can practice our French." she said excitedly. "Then we'll be the best in the class when we go home!"

Claire grinned evilly. "Okay," she agreed. "Let's start now, shall we?"

"Oui." Autumn agreed, bouncing up and down. "Did you hear that Matty, I spoke French!"

"Yay..." said Matt, trying to straighten his mud stained tie.

"Autumn," Claire said. "Tu est un folle, petite, trompeuse... chose, et ton idée est stupide."

Autumn stared silently. "Did anyone catch that?" she whispered.

Claire sighed, then said to no one in particular, "Et maintenant, moi et mon amour allons continue a marche." She grabbed Neville's hand and stalked off again.

"Aww, she's so gonna get a better mark than me." Autumn whined. She scribbled on her paper for a second and a French-English dictionary appeared in her hands. "Yay, I'm going to learn how to insult Claire in a different language!"

"...You couldn't insult me in this language, so how are you going to manage that?" Claire inquired, stopping her march and turning to face Autumn.

"You know, I understand French. I could tell you what she said in exchange for Matt." Kate informed, holding out a hand to Matt and Autumn. Autumn studied the hand, loosening her grip on Matt briefly.

"Well..." Autumn pondered out loud. "NO BITCH!" With those words she pulled hard on Matt's arm causing him to face plant in the mud again.

"DAMN IT!" he screeched. The Potter gang erupted in laughter.

"That's the signal!" yelled a voice.

"Where the hell did that come from?" asked Lupin.

"There's a ditch over here..." said Evans. She then screamed as hundreds of men in uniforms began appearing from the trench with guns in hand.

"Damn it Autumn, you brought us to a battle!" Claire yelled, hiding behind Neville.

The men began shooting as they ran past, causing everyone to fall to the ground screaming.

Matt laughed as Autumn wiped mud from her eyes. "How do you feel now?" he said triumphantly.

"Shut up Matt!" Autumn and Kate yelled in unison.

"This is so cool." Autumn grinned.

"Wait, cease fire." One of the uniformed men cried. "What are we shooting at?"

"Us!" Autumn exclaimed cheerfully, bouncing to her feet and dragging Matt with her.

"Are you Germans?" another soldier asked.

"No, we're Canadians." Claire said.

"And we're British!" Neville added, happy that he wasn't dead.

"Well, son-of-a-biscuit, we're British too!" said the soldier.

"Yay, love!" Autumn jumped at the closest man, wrapping her arms and legs around him. She unfortunately had forgotten her grip on Matt and he was swung around into the mans back, his hands pressed in front of him, touching the mans butt.

"I hate my life." Matt moaned.

Suddenly a crowd of men in different uniforms began running towards them.

"The Germans! It's really them this time!" The British army ran at the German army, leaving the Potter gang and the others standing on the battlefield.

There was an awkward pause, then Claire yelled, "FLEE!" and everybody ran.

* * *

"I'm sooooo hungry!" moaned Padfoot.

"You're a giant dog, go kill us some food." said Prongs. Everyone was crowded around a campfire, and would have been cooking something over it if they had had any food. "Preferably not a stag."

"Make the werewolf do it, I'm too weak with hunger."

"I miss my mum's cooking." Ron whined.

"Shut up Ron." Hermione snapped.

Kate, who had been wandering around in the surrounding woods, poked her head out from behind a tree. "I found a stream." she announced.

"Oh, of course you did." Matt said bitterly.

Kate ignored him. "There are fish in it."

"Accio fish!" yelled Sirius, James, Padfoot and Prongs. A massive pile of fish flew through the air to land at their feet.

"Dinner's here." Padfoot grinned.

Claire was surveying the fish with a look of disgust.

"What's wrong with you?" Snivellus asked, trying to grease his way into the firelight.

"I don't eat fish... or meat... or most foods." Claire said to everyone but Snivellus.

"Taken care of!" Kate sang, appearing with an armful of dirty potatoes.

"Those don't look very edible..." Claire said.

"It's too bad Seamus isn't here, he probably knows a lot about potatoes." Neville said. Everyone turned to look at him, confused.

"Why would he?" Ron asked, his mouth somehow already full.

"He- he's Irish..." Neville said quietly.

"It's okay, I got it." Claire said, wiping the dirty potatoes on Neville's sleeve.

Everyone sat and ate in silence for a while; too exhausted form the day's events to speak. Finally, Harry couldn't keep quiet any longer.

"When are you bringing Voldemort back?" he asked, ignoring how everyone but Autumn, Claire, Matt, Kate and Dumbledore jumped when he said the name.

Autumn thought about it. "I wasn't going to write him in until we got to Germany, but I can bring him now, if you want."

"NO!" yelled all the members of the group with magical powers.

"Wait," said Hermione. "What do you mean when you say you'll 'write him in'?"

"Um... I... I..." Autumn sputtered. She was uncomfortable being the centre of attention. "EVERYBODY STOP STARING AT ME AND MAYBE I'LL TELL YOU!"

Everyone stared at the ground.

"Okay, so it's like this, story time, pay attention." began Autumn. "I was experimenting, not on Katie or the Ginger this time, on myself, or on writing, yay writing, and I found out that I have a power, so I was like, "Yay, I'm a wizard, like Harry!" but then it turned out I only had the one power, sob, which is that whatever I write happens in real life, and I brought my kitties back to life!" she finished happily.

"...so you can basically do whatever you want."

"Yup, that's right Claire, whatever, whenever." Autumn chirped cheerfully.

"What the-" everyone but Sirius, Padfoot, Prongs and James began.

"FUCK!" The formerly silent foursome cried.

"My thoughts exactly!" Claire yelled. "Why the fuck couldn't you just write us in some real food? I'm over here eating shit potatoes!"

"Those look like apples to me." Autumn said.

"Wha- HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CONFUSE POTATOES AND APPLES?"

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were pointing to that fresh apple tree I just wrote in."

Everyone turned and stared. It was true, there was a beautiful apple tree standing in the clearing. The group gathered around the tree, picking the beautiful, shining apples. Autumn stayed where she was, smiling with joy at the fact that she'd done something good. Then, suddenly, she was hit square in the head with one of her own apples.

"WTF, I'm not Boob Guy... I mean Dinrick. Yeah, I'm not Dinrick, gosh."

"God damn it, is this someone else you're bringing in?" Padfoot moaned. Autumn's eyes lit up at the suggestion.

"NO, Autumn." Claire said firmly. Autumn's face fell. "Dinrick is a character from one of Autumn's non-fan fiction stories." Claire explained.

"But I want to..." Autumn pouted.

Claire considered it. "Maybe later." she said.

Just then, Harry clamped his hands to his head. "My scar!" he yelled. "It's burning!"

"Um... the sun just came up..." Neville pointed out.

"...shut up."

"Well," said Autumn, clapping her hands as she stood up. "We better get going; we've got lots of walking to do. Zut, je deteste promenades a pied."

"You learned French!" everyone cried.

"Oui! Je suis tres impressionnant!" Autumn grinned. "Claire, you're going to have to find a new language to insult me in."

"Paska!" yelled Claire.

Autumn was stunned. "What the hell kinda language is that?" she cried, as the group headed out into the morning.


	3. Tea With Addy

**Disclaimer: In the 27 (!) months since this story was last updated, we have not acquired the rights to anything or anyone in the following.**

**My, it has been a while, hasn't it? If you are one of the few people who both read and enjoyed this, then we are sorry. It so happens that we had two new chapters written, and part of a third, but then when it was the midgets turn to write she… uh… lost the notebook it was in. ****For over a year.**** However, she recently used her newfound Hufflepuffness to find it, and so here we are. The next completed chapter should be up sometime this week.**

**Also, Hitler shows up in this one. So if that offends you, we are sorry and did not mean it that way.**

* * *

"We're walking in a world of wonder, a world of death and doom." Sirius and Padfoot sang out, managing to be both loud and horrid.

"Wonder? How is 'death and doom' wonder?" Kate asked, not expecting an answer from the group. Hermione, not understanding Kate's question didn't require an answer, piped up her opinion.

"Some individuals find wonder in the human ability to bring their own downfalls upon themselves. Sirius and Padfoot's wonder at death and doom is directly related to that human fascination with the ability we don't always realize we have." Everyone's eyes were on Hermione, every individual had stopped to stare at the bushy haired girl.

"Or… we can all just accept that no matter what their age, Sirius and Padfoot will always be insane." Remus spoke up, disrupting the stunned silence. His words brought a wave of agreements from everyone but Matt and Kate, who looked confused.

"If you want to understand what everyone else is talking about, we could always give you the book, or books, that tell each of your stories." Claire informed, annoyance laced in her voice.

"I have a book about me?" Kate gasped excitedly.

"No, you don't." Autumn stated bluntly.

"But you just said-" Kate began.

"The books are about Matt… actually all _three_ books are about Matt." Autumn informed her with a hard glare.

"What? Why would anyone want to read a book about _him?_" Kate emphasized 'him' in a manner that seemed to imply that Matt was below her.

"What do you mean, Kate?" Matt asked, looking hurt.

"Oh," Kate turned to Matt, looking uncomfortable. "It's not that I'm trying to be mean Matt. It's just that I can't see who would want to write or read about you." Matt gazed at Kate with broken eyes; his entire body reflected his hurt at her words by slouching in defeat.

"Shut up, slut-bitch. Matt's the best." Autumn hissed. "Better than your two-timing whore face could ever be."

"Sing it sister!" Padfoot cried.

"Matt doesn't need you anymore." Autumn stated, jabbing a finger into Kate's shoulder. "He has me."

"You go sister, tell her how the world rolls." Padfoot exclaimed, his arms spread wide towards the sky.

"Sirius, Padfoot, whoever the hell you are, shut it!" Autumn screeched. The group was silenced, having never really seen the petite girl worked up before this point.

Claire was trying not to laugh. "Perkele." she said.

"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" Autumn screamed.

"I'M SAYING WORDS." Claire yelled back.

"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense." Autumn replied, taping her free fingers- the ones not clasped to Matt- on her chin. As Claire and Autumn discussed non-English words, Matt and Kate were still discussing the logic behind writing a book about Matt.

"Kate, why can't you see why people would want to write or read about me?" Matt whispered in a broken tone, his shoulders slouched forward and his eyes cast down at the ground.

"Well, no offense Matt, but you're boring and kind of stupid. I mean, you have no real former education, you can't even do math." Kate said, tilting her chin up to gaze into Matt's eyes.

"What?" Matt gasped.

"I said no offense." Kate stated, as if dismissing her words.

"That doesn't take away the offense!" Matt cried, staring at Kate as if seeing her for the first time.

"Matt, I'm-"

"AIRPLANES!" Autumn screamed in terror. The others looked at her funny.

"So?" James questioned with a tilt of his head. His words brought a slightly crazed look from Autumn.

"Those airplanes drop bombs!" she exclaimed with a one-handed pull of her hair. With her words barely said, screams pierced the air. The group had been closer to civilization than they had thought. Just over the hill they had been climbing lay a city- a city currently under German fire.

"RUN!" Padfoot and Sirius screeched before hightailing it towards the city.

"No you two, away from the fight, not towards!" Remus and Moony called, chasing after them.

"Well, I'm not staying here when I can discover so much down there." Kate said. She glanced at Matt's broken face before taking off after the others.

"Guys, wait up!"

"Prongs!" Evans gasped, chasing after him.

"James, no!" Lily cried, trailing behind Evans.

"Come on Snape, this is going to be fun." Dumbledore said cheerfully before marching off, dragging Snape behind him.

"Mom, Dad, Sirius, Remus!"

"Harry!"

"Hermione!"

"Does anyone need me to kill a snake?"

"Neville!"

Matt and Autumn stood gaping at their group, who were now running towards heavy fire.

"…We should probably follow them." Autumn murmured before walking both her and Matt to what was sure to be their doom.

* * *

"Whoa, look at that chick. French girls really are top choice." Sirius grinned, pointing to a scared woman about fifteen feet away.

"Oh yeah, I'd do her. Mind you, I'm pretty sure I'd do just about anything that moved." Padfoot replied, looking at her appreciatively.

"Padfoot!"

"Sirius!"

"Thank God we found you two." Moony and Remus cried as they approached the two men.

"This place isn't safe." Moony murmured, glancing around uncomfortably.

"How so? Looks fine to me." Sirius chirped up, oblivious to all the destruction and panic.

"Look you two, I – we- have read a bit about World War Two. This Hitler is not somebody you mess with. He was sick and disgusting; he's right up there in evilness with old Voldie." Remus informed, glancing around every now and then.

"He's like the devil himself."

"Well, I wouldn't say the devil." a voice stated. "Now, I know you Brit's and I have a bit of a disagreement at the moment, but couldn't we discuss this over tea?" The small group turned to face the man. Each was stunned to be face to face with Hitler. Hitler, for his part, showed no reaction to finding four strange men insulting him calmly in the middle of a battle.

"Tea sounds nice."

* * *

"We've been walking in circles." Matt groaned to Autumn, who was pulling him determinedly.

"No we haven't." Autumn snapped. "I thought you had a good sense of direction, gosh."

"I do, that's why I'm pointing this out." Matt cried. "See that tree? I cut a blaze the first time we passed it; we've been by it seven times now!"

"You cut a blaze?" Autumn spat. "Learned that trick from Kate, did you?"

"Yes…" Matt said coldly, glaring off to the side of Autumn's head. "Will you just listen to me? I know what I'm talking about."

Autumn shook her head. "Nope, we're not stopping unless I see a blond British boy, he'd be so much better than you, with the accent, and the blondness, and the boy parts…"

Matt paused for a moment to wonder if his captor was as stupid as she seemed. No, he decided, she was more stupid.

"Look, a blond British boy!"

Autumn finally let him go. "Where? Gimme!" She ran off in the direction that Matt was pointing.

Matt stopped for breath, hardly believing his luck, before running off in the correct direction.

* * *

"More tea?"

"Yeah, sure." Padfoot mumbled through a mouthful of food. "And while you're at it, do you have any more biscuits?"

Hitler pulled another tin of biscuits from under the table. "Dig in."

"So," said Lupin, taking a biscuit. "Are you going to kill us or what?"

Hitler sighed. "Well I have to, don't I?" You're the enemy, and you're not Aryan."

Sirius snorted into his tea. "Seriously, moustache? Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

"Yes, I know, I'm a hypocrite. But I can't stop now; it's been going on too long."

"Do you think this hatred of everyone stems from an early childhood trauma?" Moony asked.

Hitler's eyes grew wide with realization. "I'd never thought about it, but when I was five… my mother, she…"

"Made you wear dresses and told you that if you were going to be a mistake you could at least be a girl?" Padfoot butted in. There was silence, punctuated by Sirius punching Padfoot in the arm.

"No," Hitler said. "She told me never to trust anyone with dark hair… which, I should warn you, is true. Those poison biscuits should be kicking in any moment now."

The four friends looked at each other in horror before dropping face first into their tea.

"Hehehe, oh goodness I'm so evil." Hitler sang as he skipped off into the woods.

* * *

"Can't believe I followed that idiot… can't believe I fell in love with that other one." Matt grumbled. He kicked a stone half-heartedly, sending it into the bushes.

"Das ow!" A shout of pain rang from the bushes. A man emerged, surprising Matt and causing him to jump back.

"Shit!" Matt cried. A man now stood in front of the startled blond. He was average height, with dark hair and a weird caterpillar-like moustache above his lip. He appeared to be in his forties or fifties, and was gazing at Matt in awe.

"Beautiful." The man whispered. He stepped towards Matt, who stepped back.

"Whoa, space. I don't even know who you are." Matt proclaimed both his hands before him in defence.

"Oh, I'm sorry my boy. I'm Adolf Hitler, but you can call me Addy." Hitler told him, feasting his eyes upon the scared boy with lust.

"Oh, well… hello there Hit… Ad… Addy." Matt said uncertainly.

"So, you come here often?" Hitler asked, raising an eyebrow and leaning against a tree.

"To the middle of the woods, over twenty years out of my time? No, no I don't come here often." Matt said, looking at Hitler with a confused expression.

"So then what's a beautiful, strong man like yourself doing all alone in the woods?"

Matt started slowly backing up. As much as he liked being called a man, this was getting weird. "Um… well, you see Mr. Hitler…"

"I told you to call me Addy!"

"Oh… well you see, um, Addy, I… have to go, I'm late for-"

"Late for killing the enemy?" Hitler asked happily.

"Yes! Yes, that's it. So, I'm going to go now…see you later…"

"Ta taaaaaa!"

Matt ran as fast as he possibly could, only stopping when he crashed into Autumn and sent her flying.

"I never thought I'd be happy to see you!" he cried excitedly.

Autumn reattached herself to his neck. "Poor Matty, lost all alone in the woods." she cooed. "Was it scary? I bet it was, but you're brave."

"I don't want to talk about it." Matt said angrily.

"Okay, well, let's go find the others." Autumn said. She jumped on Matt's back like a horse. "Go boy! Run!"

Matt looked over his shoulder at her incredulously before beginning to walk.

* * *

"Y'know, I think that midget might be touched in the head." Ron said. Harry, Ron and Hermione were also wandering around in the woods.

"Don't call her a midget!" Hermione said.

"Why not? She's short."

"Everyone's short from your perspective!"

"Shut up!" Harry said. "I can't concentrate." He was using the Point Me spell to try and find the others, but so far it wasn't working.

"I'm just saying, I can see why Harry's here, but everyone else?"

"Well, Neville is here for Claire, obviously…" Hermione began.

"Don't know what she sees in him."

"…and this Matt person is here because Autumn wanted him, and I assume Kate is here because she was attached to him when they time-travelled…"

"And my parents are here because I've never met them, maybe?" Harry said.

"Yes, and Sirius and Lupin are here because they're all friends… and I think their younger forms are just for comic relief." Hermione finished.

"And Snape and Dumbledore are here for what, potions and riddles?" Ron asked.

"Your guess is as good as mine on that one."

"So what are we here for? I mean, I know you've got to control You-Know-Who, but me and Hermione…"

Harry shrugged. "Every hero needs sidekicks."

There was silence. Harry looked up from his spell. Ron's ears had turned maroon. Hermione looked ready to explode.

"Sidekicks?" she screeched.

"Point me. POINT ME!" Harry shouted at his wand. The spell worked, and he took off with Hermione yelling after him.

* * *

"Faster! FASTER!" Autumn screeched. She was still on Matt's back, and he was still walking. "You're a terrible horse!"

"That's because I'm usually a bird."

Autumn considered this. "Good comeback." she said.

Suddenly they trotted into a clearing, in the center of which was a table. Sirius, Remus, Padfoot and Moony lay on the ground.

"OMG, I didn't write this!" Autumn cried.

Harry, Ron and Hermione ran in, all red in the face. The sight in the clearing drained Hermione of her anger. The three set about trying to wake the four up, while Autumn watched from her perch on Matt's shoulders.

"That bastard drugged my biscuits!" Sirius yelled as he sat up.

I'll never be able to eat one again!" Padfoot lamented. "Ooh, there's still some left!" He reached for one. Hermione slapped his hand away.

"Who did this to you?" Harry asked, helping Lupin up.

"I think a better question is why aren't we dead?" Moony said. "That git said he used poison."

"This guy is persecuting people who look exactly like him, do you really think he's gonna get the poison right?" said Claire as she walked into the clearing. She was followed by Neville, Moody, Dumbledore, Snape, Snivellus, Lily, Evens, James, and Prongs. She was also wearing snake skin boots for some reason.

"Yay, everybody's back, group hug!" Autumn cried. She threw her arms around Matt's head, covering his eyes.

"Kate's not here." he said. "Not that I care." he added quickly.

"Oh, you're right." Autumn said coolly. "I guess we should go find her, forward!" Matt took three steps and crashed into a tree. "WTF, you said you were good at directions!"

Matt said some words he probably shouldn't have known, being from the past and all.

"Hello everyone." Kate said as she walked up, looking flushed. "I found out where we are!"

"France?"

"Oz?"

"Narnia?"

For once, Kate looked confused. "N-no. Germany!"

"What? Yay, it's Voldemort time!" Autumn cried.

"NO!" everyone yelled.

"Aw, why not?"

"We should get somewhere safe first." Claire said.

"We're in the middle of a war, nowhere is safe." Ron said.

"Stop being such a pessimist, Ron." said Hermione.

"You know, there's a little village just outside these trees." Kate said. "We can go there."

Everyone nodded happily.

"Are you all insane?" Matt yelled. "We're the enemy! They'll shoot us!"

"No they won't, they don't have guns." said Kate.

"You don't know that!" Matt cried.

"Oh please, Matt, when have I ever lied to you?"

Matt took a deep breath. "Well," he began. "When I brought you hot chocolate, you said Miss Simpkins wouldn't wake up. When we were in the woods, you said there were no snakes. When we got attacked by a snake, you said it was poisonous but it couldn't climb. You told me you weren't going back to the tree, but you did, and when we got captured by murderous pirates, you promised you wouldn't fall asleep, but you did. Then there was that time you said you'd meet me at the Jewels Verne at 12:30 sharp, but you were forty minutes late. You said you didn't see Nadira kiss me, and then you said you weren't mad, which you clearly were. You told everyone the aerozoans were dead, and when they woke up, you said they were safely behind glass, but they escaped. And then of course there was that whole thing about not wanting to get married and then going and GETTING ENGAGED TO SOME OTHER GUY BEHIND MY BACK."

Kate and everyone else stared at him, mouths agape.

"Oh, and also you stole my compass that one time." Matt finished.

There was silence. "That's irrelevant." Kate said finally.

"Yeah, but it still pissed me off."

"Autumn on tyhmää ja siksi kukaan ei tykkää hänen." Claire said. Everybody stared at her. "Just thought I'd throw that in."

"And I'm very glad you did." Autumn grinned, tightening her hold on Matt's neck. "So now that Matt's pissed, which is really rare, let's go greet the Germans. I'm sure they're really nice people who we won't understand because none of us fully understand the German language."

"We have a spell for that." Harry piped up.

"We have a spell for everything, even one for tying your shoes." Sirius grinned at his younger counterpart, who nodded.

"Yes, it's the only way 'they' manage that small feat." Moony stated simply, gesturing towards 'them'.

"Yup, Prongs tried to teach me how to do it normally once, but I just couldn't get it at all." Padfoot grinned, both hands held up in a gesture of a well sought after defeat.

"What a surprise." Snape hissed.

"Stop talking, it's giving me a headache." Claire said, holding her head. "Autumn?"

"Yes." Autumn stated, still perched on Matt's back. This caused her one arm still grasping him to tighten considerably. Matt began to gesture wildly as his oxygen supply was unknowingly cut off.

"Lead us to this village." Claire gestured in the general direction Kate had come from.

"What?" Kate gasped in annoyance. "I was the one who found that village!"

"No one cares about you." Autumn said, monotone and expressionless.

"Well I-" Kate huffed, nostrils narrowing.

"Never." Autumn snorted. "Welcome to the 21st century princess."

A silence filled the group as everyone turned to stare blankly at the idiot. Autumn stared back dumbly until realization hit.

"Oh yeah, we're in the 20th century at the moment… well then, welcome to the people from the 21st century." Autumn said cheerfully, pushing herself up higher with the help of Matt's head.

"Autumn, shut up. You're embarrassing yourself." Claire said. "You and I are the only people from that time."

Autumn burst into tears. "I'm not smart!" she sobbed.

Everyone began nodding and saying things like "That's for sure," and "She's finally right about something."

"Well, now that we've all reached a consensus-" Claire began.

Just then Matt caused a distraction by passing out from lack of oxygen.

"Someone wanna get that?" Claire asked nonchalantly.

Lupin sighed and muttered "Ennervate." Matt opened his eyes, saw Autumn staring down at him excitedly, and promptly closed them again.

"Well," said Hermione cautiously. "Shall we set off?"

* * *

The group wandered through the woods unnoticed, which was surprising considering their numbers, and the amount of noise they – particularly Sirius and Padfoot - were making.

"Claire, you look different." Autumn stated from her newly recovered perch on Matt's shoulders. "Did your hair shrink?"

"Neville cut it." Claire said happily. "He can do more than just kill snakes with that sword."

Neville blushed as several people raised their eyebrows at him.

"You have weird fetishes Claire," Sirius stated. "And a very odd taste in men."

"Better than Hermione's." Harry said simply, jabbing a finger in Ron's direction. Said Weasley was currently poking Moony and Remus at the same time.

"Ron, why are you doing that?"

"Poke a werewolf, get a rush." Ron said, glaring at Moony and Remus's bruising arms. "It's not really working though."

"Yes, my taste in men is horrible." Hermione said gloomily as she regarded her boyfriend.

"Yup, your taste in men sucks, both of yours, but mines epic. Look at this little blond thing." Autumn giggled, rubbing Matt's hair as a frown marred his face.

"…my taste in men is horrible, and the man I chose was Matt." Kate said, "So doesn't that mean yours is as imperfect as mine?"

"Kate," Matt hissed, hurt showing on his face. "But you agreed to marry me…"

"You were the only one stupid enough to say I could go my own way even in marriage." Kate said, waving his statement away.

"Evil bunny twitch, bitch. Matt's amazing, he's my bouncy buddy. You just can't handle his amazing bouncing awesomeness." Autumn screeched, fingers digging into Matt's scalp as she leaned forward to give Kate a death glare. Matt's face twisted in pain and his hands flew up in an attempt to dislodge the insane girls clutch on him.

"Calm down, child, and release your grip on the young man's hair." Dumbledore smiled warmly. "Violence is not needed in this situation, love can solve any problem. Let's all hug. Boys, come here." All the boys shot Dumbledore confused looks before walking slowly forward, only to be engulfed in the bearded man's arms. "Snape," Dumbledore ginned. "Come closer." The surprised, greasy man was immediately pulled towards the older man until he was flush against his side.

"Sir, this is not appropriate." Snape murmured, shifting slightly so he wasn't squashed between James and Sirius anymore.

"Nonsense, we're all having a good time." Dumbledore chirped cheerfully.

"Yes sir, we can all feel how much of a good time _you're_ having." Snape hissed.

"Claire, I'm scared, can we leave?" Autumn whispered, eyes wide and fingers desperately clutching her Matt.

"Yes, let's all back away slowly. The boys over there are beyond our help, so we'll just save Matt." Matt sighed in relief, he was now thankful that the insane midget was still clinging to his head. Without making a sound, the girls – and Matt – vanished into the trees.

* * *

"That was a nice long hug." Dumbledore grinned, finally releasing the boys, minus Snape.

"You're sick, old man." Sirius said. "But I'd still do you 'cause you move."

"…"

"Don't look at me like that you guys, I know I have a problem, but I can't help myself. It's an addiction." Sirius proclaimed, glaring back at the stunned faces of his comrades.

"You are going to a sex addicts help club as soon as we get home." Harry told his godfather.

"Don't bother, I'll just have sex with everyone in it." Sirius replied. "Hey, where are the girls?"

"Like you care, you've already admitted you'll do it with anything." Harry said.

"No, he's right, they left." Ron said.

"Oh… so I guess we should go find them."

No one moved.

"Or," Dumbledore began "we could hug aga-"

"FUCK OFF, OLD MAN!"

* * *

"Is the hugging over yet?" Lily asked as the girls re-entered the clearing half an hour later.

"Yes." said Dumbledore sadly.

"Good." said Claire, rifling through some papers. "And now we have to end the chapter before it gets too long and people don't want to read it."

"But I'm not finished!" Autumn cried.

"Yes you are. Now just take the pencil off the paper…"

"I did it!" Autumn said. "Oh, crap."

Claire sighed. "Let's try this again..."


	4. Capture and WallDenting

**Disclaimer: Nothing is ours yet folks, no matter how hard the midget wishes it were.**

**See if you can figure out at which point during this chapter we stopped writing for a very long period of time, and then came back to it and didn't remember what we had wanted to do.**

* * *

After another half hour of wandering, the group finally made it out of the woods, though if anything they were more noticeable than they had been before. James and Prongs had transformed into stags and were carrying their respective Lily's on their backs. Sirius and Padfoot were carrying not beautiful French girls, as they had hoped, but Remus and Moony, who could not transform because it was not full moon, and because they would have torn everyone to shreds. Upon the Sirius's initial refusal to carry the werewolves, Moony had started fake-crying and Remus had whispered "Don't you think we're beautiful?" The two were now riding comfortably. Autumn had returned to her perch on Matt's back. Claire, not to be outdone, had climbed onto Neville's shoulders and was holding his sword in the air, occasionally shouting things like "Leeroy Jenkins!" and "For Narnia!" To top it off, Dumbledore was still rather 'excited' from the hugging earlier, and Snape kept shooting him impressed looks, which, when questioned, he justified by saying "He's old! This is true magic!" And so the group made their way into the small German village.

The town appeared to be empty. No one moved about the streets. Curtains were drawn across all the windows. Any plants that were growing had withered.

"Why the hell did we bother with all the sneaking if there's not even anyone here?" Ron wondered loudly.

"Everything may not be as it seems, Mr. Weasley." said Dumbledore, who having calmed down, had reverted to 'professor' mode. "Wands at the ready everyone." Autumn waved her pencil around hopefully.

"Yeah, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Moody reminded, causing everyone nearby to jump- including about twenty villagers who had been hiding. One man fell out of a tree and landed with a thump on his back.

"Loud." he said, glaring at Moody reproachfully.

It was then that James, Prongs, Sirius and Padfoot decided to return to their human forms. Lily and Evans managed to hang on during the transformation and simply stepped down when it was complete. Remus and Moony were dumped unceremoniously to the ground.

The sudden movement startled the villagers, and all of them – including the children – impulsively drew guns and pointed them at the group. Instead of fearing for their lives, everyone, including Scabbers, who everyone seemed to have forgotten about, turned to look at Kate.

"In my defense, it was highly improbable that they had guns." she said defiantly.

The man who had fallen out of the tree had stood up, and was now shouting to the other villagers in German. Everyone tore their angry eyes from Kate and looked at Claire instead.

"I don't speak German, stop looking at me like that!" she said.

"Never mind," said Dumbledore. "People seem to believe that I'm rather brilliant, so I'm sure I can find a way to communicate." He walked over to the man nonchalantly.

"I don't see how one of Dumbledore's 'hugs' is going to be any help." Padfoot whispered loudly.

The man pointed his gun at Dumbledore and began yelling. Dumbledore calmly reached into his pocket and pulled out a lemon drop. He held it out to the man by way of greeting. This gesture only made the man yell louder and more aggressively.

"I think we understand each other." Dumbledore said. "He is welcoming us to the village."

"Actually, he's ordering the others to kill us." Matt interjected.

"You speak German?" several people cried.

"No… I mean, I didn't, but I suddenly understand it." he explained.

"It's 'cause you're the perfect little German boy, in Hitler's eyes anyway." Autumn said. "Which sounds good, now that I think about it. A world full of Matts…" She trailed off, stroking his hair and gazing at nothing.

"Autumn, stop agreeing with Hitler or I'll get Neville to sword you." Claire said. "And next time think before you write, that explanation is ridiculous."

"Oh my gosh, I have a way to save us, yay me!" Autumn yelled, ignoring her friend. She scribbled on her papers for a moment, and then there was a flash of white light.

There was a pause when Voldemort appeared that seemed to last an eternity. The angry German man stopped yelling. The nearby plants let the last vestiges of life leave their stalks. Everyone within a twenty-five mile radius shivered collectively. Snakes throughout Europe changed direction, so that they were slithering towards the spot where Voldemort stood. Then he suddenly yelled "Avada Kedavra!" and all the villagers were dead.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THINKING BEFORE YOU WRITE?" Claire yelled.

Voldemort took advantage of the distraction to lunge at Harry, but before he could get within ten feet of him, he was thrown back.

"Don't touch the chosen one, bitch!" Autumn cried as she wrote in a protection charm around Harry. "Actually, I have another awesome idea." She wrote for a second and then a collar appeared around Voldemort's neck, with a leash leading to Harry's hand. Voldemort, surprisingly, seemed okay with this.

"You shouldn't have killed those people, Tom." Dumbledore said.

"I saved your life, old man," Voldemort hissed. "And you're still complaining?"

"Those people were innocent. Nothing can justify innocent deaths."

"If it helps, that guy was yelling about how much he hated lemon drops." Matt said.

The light left Dumbledore's eyes in a way it only did when duelling Voldemort. "He deserved everything he got." he said bitterly.

"Anyway… control your bitch, Harry." Autumn said, after a fearful look at Dumbledore. She was hidden behind Matt, carefully pushing Kate towards the death aura coming off Dumbledore at the same time.

"Okay…?" Harry said, glancing with unease at the mass murderer standing next to him. Said mass murderer shot everyone a glare, causing heads to turn away quickly, before licking his lips while staring at Harry's ass.

"We should keep moving forward if we want to get to Hitler to kill him." Claire said, taking Neville's hand and stepping over the corpse of the angry man, his face stuck in mid-yell. Matt shuddered at the mention of Hitler.

"Yeah, let's move forward, I'm getting horny and there's nothing else here to do." Sirius and Padfoot proclaimed, stepping away from two very traumatized boys – James and Prongs.

"James!" both Lily's cried in horror at the same time.

"Poor thing, eh mate?" Ron said, nudging his friends. "Now he's scarred for life."

"I'm sorry they did that, I know it was horrible, traumatising, scarring-"

"It was so good!" both boys stated, staring wide eyed at nothing. "And I'll never experience it again. So much better than Lily, so much." The Lily's stared, stunned, at the James's. It took a few minutes before the shock was overcome and the shouting match began.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" the Lily's yelled.

"Guys, calm down." Harry said.

"FUCK!" Dumbledore proclaimed cheerfully.

"Why did you say that?" Snape questioned.

"To fit in, of course." Dumbledore replied.

"YOU BASTARD!" Lily screeched.

"Yeah, YOU BASTARD!" Sirius and Padfoot yelled, pointing at each other.

"It was so good," the two James's said in dream like states.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK-"

Claire, Matt, Kate and Autumn all stared blankly at the arguing book characters. Voldemort pinched Harry's butt in the confusion, Snape was molested by Dumbledore, and somewhere in the world a man killed another.

"Wonder where Hitler is…" Autumn pondered out loud, turning away from the rest of the group.

* * *

_Somewhere in a Nazi camp in Germany:_

Pictures covered the walls of a small wooden cabin in the center of the camp. They were present both inside and out, and all depicted the same individual: a slender, average height, pale skinned, blond haired, blue eyes boy named Matt.

"Oh Matt, my heart yearns for you. When will you be mine to hold and love, when will they allow us to love freely?" a man bearing a caterpillar moustache proclaimed. Hitler cried softly, stroking the closest poster to him. It displayed Matt being glommed by a small girl with curly hair, clearly taken by some deranged stalker, just like the rest.

"Sir," a soldier interrupted, causing Hitler to move swiftly from his stroking of the pictures to look at the man.

"Yes, what is it?" he questioned, irritation thick in his voice.

"He has been sighted, sir."

"What are you waiting for?" Hitler cried. "Go get him!"

"It is not that easy sir. He is protected by a small but conspicuous army."

"So kill them."

"They… they… sir, they seem to possess magical powers."

"That is an even better excuse to kill them!" Hitler spat. "Haven't you been paying attention at all these past six years?"

The soldier sensed death in pushing the matter. "Yes sir." he said, taking his leave.

Hitler resumed his stroking of Matt's picture. "Oh Matt," he sighed. "Soon you will be mine."

* * *

Meanwhile, the small but conspicuous army had stopped to eat, after realizing they hadn't done so for roughly twenty pages. The food that was supposed to give them strength, however, became their weakness, and was proven such when ten German soldiers came out from the trees and held them at gunpoint. To the group's credit, they were only slightly surprised.

"Hey Kate, do you think these guys have guns?" Claire asked sarcastically. Kate's only response was to glare back with nostrils narrowed. Claire did not react to this, possibly because she was a denizen of Satan and used to such evil, more likely because she was well experienced in giving such looks herself.

Neville, after realizing that no one else was going to attempt to fight being captured, stood and brandished the sword of Gryffindor at the Germans. They raised their guns high in the air in order to aim at his head.

Claire pulled him back into his seat. "Don't be an oxymoron." she said. "This is exactly how we're going to get close to Hitler."

"Um, Claire," Autumn said. "Should you be talking about our secret plans in front of the enemy?

"The only way that would be a problem is if you wrote in that they understand us." Claire said, the hint of a threat in her voice.

Autumn's eyes grew wide and she began furiously erasing something on her paper.

Claire was interrupted in her attempts to strangle Autumn by a soldier who grabbed her and tied her up.

"Get your hands off my woman!" Neville yelled, running forward. The soldiers, unable to reach his arms to tie them, simply threw a large net over him.

It was later discovered that Autumn forgot to document this part of the adventure, so it is not entirely known what happened. The next thing written about the group was that they were tied together in a German tent, and Matt was missing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Autumn wailed.

* * *

Hitler stood, facing towards a table outlining a battle strategy. He picked up one of the pieces, the one symbolizing Germany, and held it in his hand with a look of longing. The cabin door shook as someone knocked on it firmly.

"Hail Hitler." came a proud voice from the other side of the door. It was soon mimicked by other voices proclaiming the same words.

"Come in." Hitler replied simply, placing the piece back on the table and walking away. His back was to the door as the soldiers entered the cabin, carrying the blond boy known as Matt. Matt's eyes were shut and his breathing was shallow as they placed him on the bed at the end of the room.

"We found the boy sir." said a short, tubby man, with hay like hair tumbling into his eyes.

"Excellent." Hitler praised, stepping over to his bed. He gazed down upon Matt, desire and longing painting his face. "He's like an angel, so pure." He stroked the side of Matt's face. "Blue-eyed, blond haired angel."

Matt's eyes fluttered faintly before slowly opening. His vision was blurred as he took a look at his surroundings. He noted a shape resembling a table in the middle of the room, as well as many shapes appearing like posters lining the walls.

"Good sleep, my angel?" a masculine, creepy voice purred next to his ear. Matt shot upright.

"Hitler?" he gasped.

"I thought I told you to call me Addy." Hitler said, stroking Matt's clothed thigh. Matt quickly drew his legs up to his chest.

"Now don't be like that, kitten." Hitler purred again, moving forward to pat Matt's head before collapsing on the bed next to Matt.

"Please don't call me kitten." Matt murmured. "Where are my friends?"

"Don't worry, they're all safe." Hitler said, leaning in to nuzzle Matt's neck. "Let's worry about us right now."

* * *

"Matt my love, feel my psychic message: Don't sleep with Hitler." Autumn cried, rubbing her temples furiously with eyes scrunched up. Her friend Claire kept shooting her weird looks.

"How are we going to get out of here?" Padfoot whined, fingering his wand.

"Fuck, I have no fucking idea, fuck, fuck, fuck." James hissed. He was playing a game of catch with his younger self. His wand spun through the air shooting red and gold sparks before landing the receivers hands.

"Yes, our escape is a mystery." Hermione noted, twirling her wand in her curls. "Perhaps we can find an old piece of metal and saw our way out…"

"Matttttttttttttttttt!" Autumn screamed.

"…or dig a hole." Hermione finished lamely.

Harry stared blankly at all of them, suddenly feeling incredibly smart. He reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out his wand. He held it up, staring at it in joy.

"Wands." he whispered. "We can use our wands."

* * *

_Three hours later:_

"Hit the wall harder, use that wand."

All the wizards had their wands out, trying to deepen the dent in the wall they already had by hitting it with their wands.

"You guys," Ron started, swinging hard at the wall, pretending it was Malfoy. "How'd we get untied?"

"Through some lazy magic of the writers." Claire hissed. "Autumn wrote us out because they didn't think paper and a pencil was a threat when they searched us – only Neville's sword."

Neville let out a sob at that. "I wanted to kill snakes with it." he murmured.

"This is stupid." Dumbledore said. "Let's hit it with the ends of our wands."

"Good idea!" everyone chirped.

* * *

_Two hours later: _

"That's it, fuck this!" Prongs screamed. He pulled back from the wall and pointed his wand at it. "Everyone get back, fuckin' now." Everyone sprang back, getting behind Prongs. With a twist and a wave the wall imploded.

Autumn snivelling over Matt faded. "Yeah, well anyone can blast a hole in a wall." she murmured. "_I_ wanted to see it smashed with sticks."

The group piled out, Autumn and Claire taking up the rear.

"Told you, five hours." Claire muttered. "Five hours until they remembered what they can do."

"These wizards aren't that bright." Autumn observed simply, her eyes red and puffy from crying. She wrote carefully for a moment before a bundle of cash appeared in front of Claire.

"Yeah, they're stupid…" Claire said, distracted. Her eyes were bright as she counted her money with glee. "I'm going to Universal Studios. Hogwarts, here I come!" She started humming something that sounded like 'Get Back to Hogwarts' as she skipped over to Neville.

Claire, wait, I didn't tell you what the money's for." Autumn cried.

"I don't care." Claire said as she stashed the money in her boot.

Autumn chewed on the end of her pencil for a moment, pretending to think hard. "You know, I don't either." she said. "I don't even remember why I gave it to you in the first place."

"Because she's pretty?" Neville suggested.

"Because you're stupid." Padfoot stated.

"Because you're a crazy, scheming midget?" Ron said.

"Because she speaks better French than you?" said Moony.

"Because she wants to buy some lemon drops?" Dumbledore asked.

"Because she's constantly vigilant?" Moody questioned.

"No, it's because I'm awesome." Claire said. "Although all those other things are also true."

Autumn looked thoroughly confused. "Thanks a lot, guys, now I can't remember my next plot point." she said.

"That's what you get for procrastinating." Hermione said. "If you don't remember to document everything in a timely manner, you're left with gaping plot holes."

"_Do it today or later you'll pay."_ Ron quoted darkly.

"Shut up!" Autumn yelled. "If you know so much, why don't you write your own fan fiction?"

"Maybe I will," Hermione said. "And it will make sense _and_ have perfect grammar."

"Well, I won't read it!"

"Anyhoo," Claire interrupted loudly. "Neville and I are gonna go rescue Matt and/or kill Hitler. Feel free to join." With that said, she climbed awkwardly back onto Neville's shoulders and they were off.

Slowly the rest of the group followed.

* * *

Crouched behind trees on top of a nearby hill, the group had an unobstructed view of the German military base below.

"Hey Autumn, use your psychic connection to figure out where Matt is." Claire whispered. Autumn nodded and placed her fingers dramatically on her temples.

"He's in that one." she stated after a moment. She pointed confidently to a plain, unassuming building that stood off to one side of the camp.

Neville looked worried. "The one that looks like it's on fire?" he asked.

Autumn's eyes grew wide with understanding, for once. "No, not that one." she said. "I was pointing at this one, pay attention." A moment too late, she moved her hand so that she was pointing to a heavily guarded cabin with its curtains drawn shut.

"I think you're right." Claire said. "And I'd congratulate you if I suspected that any actual thought had gone into it." Autumn, not having heard anything past 'You're right,' proceeded to do a happy dance.

"Why is the midget having a seizure?" Padfoot asked.

Claire ignored him. "Okay, everyone shut up and let's go." she instructed. "And try to remember if you're a wizard this time, 'kay?"

"I promise nothing!" Prongs announced. He was quickly silenced with a branch to the face, and the rescue mission began.


End file.
